Oh God What The Hell Is That? - The Haunted Mansion (2003)
Another childhood videogame.
T.W. Arachnophobia.
A fourth (I think) videogame review from me! Yes, it’s another game that looks ancient and absolutely never comes up, and yes, it is an absolute classic. Should I have covered Resident Evil Requiem instead? Maybe. But here we are.
The Haunted Mansion is largely based on the Disney ride. Due to this, it is extremely weird. Let’s break it down bit by bit.
First off, the premise. You play as Ezekiel ‘Zeke’ Holloway, a lanky ginger caretaker. It is the mid-to-late nineteenth century. Everything in the mansion is FUBAR because some old nutcase cultist type (who looks like he’s strode straight out of Castlevania) starting lording it over all the ghosts. So, armed with a lantern that shoots ectoplasm or something equally wild, you must try and save all the souls in the Haunted Mansion.
A note, Zeke walks like a weirdo, taking HUGE creeping steps if you manoeuvre him a certain way. This is endlessly funny. What is funnier is his health bar, which, like other horror games, is his sanity, and as it drops his face becomes more and more distressing. It’s proved impossible to find a picture, so you’ll have to play it to see.
The gameplay is simple. Walk from room to room, floor to floor, opening doors locked behind a certain number of collected souls. Save those trapped within. As you wander between rooms you will be faced with spiders, Giant Spiders (Really Giant Spiders) and a host of other nasties, including The Maid, who is a terrifying banshee. She glides along and screams an ungodly scream right in your face. It SUCKS when this happens. The mansion is genuinely bursting with horrid monsters, like huge gargoyles, armoured knights and skull-faced ghouls, but it also has a host of friendly ghosts that appear once the lights in each room are turned on. A key thing to note here is, with some skill, you can shoot the lantern at a rate of fire so absurd it might as well be an assault rifle. It also upgrades as the story progresses, eventually having Power Shots.
Unrelated to this, the save points are glowing green grandfather clocks, which, how brilliant is that? Superb idea.
A point I simply must comment on is the pause menu music. Just listen to this and tell me it isn’t the best menu music ever. I dare you.
The finest element of this game, though, is the simple fact that you are investigating so many rooms. There is a wide variety of different puzzles and setpieces - let me list my favourites below:
The room where you shrink really small and end up on a Billiards Table (and someone is aiming the cue at you).
Why is it so blurry??? The room where plates relentlessly try to smash into you.
The room where it’s a big-ass crypt full of monsters.
The room where the walls shift when you move toward them, making you extremely ill-at-ease that something might leap out at you.
The children’s room with the absurdly long tunnel hidden in the closet.
The Secret Lair, where the villain turns into a Monster Slug Thing Engorged On Human Souls.
Pondering my orb.
Getting the picture? This is a very replayable game. Tense, genuinely challenging at times, with secret unlockables and a good number of collectables, it offers a damn fun time. Unless you really don’t like spiders, in which case, it’s a nightmare hellscape.
Oh my god I nearly forgot! The loading screens are all paintings that go from normal to spooky! Look!!
That’s all I feel I should reasonably say on it, though I could probably push a thousand words if I wanted - it is a rich piece of media, and one I look at fondly.
My final note is, play it with another person beside you. It’ll be all the more fun.
As ever, thanks for reading
Until next time,
H.E.
I love those loading screens.